I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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