you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
