I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
