i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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