Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
