Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
