He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize