WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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