I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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