god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
