Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
