I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
