Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
