you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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