There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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