and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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