we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
