I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
