Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The best revenge is premature balding
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The ass gains better be worth it
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