it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
that is very illegal...i love you.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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