The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize