Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
