I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
