They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
