I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I could fuck to npr.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
