at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize