you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
