If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize