theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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