There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
