he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize