I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
