oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
