ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
