I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
