Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
