I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
