I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
