saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I could make wine with my vomit
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
