My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
