With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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