how can u be prego again
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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