I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
