none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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