i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
