Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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