I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
