You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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