Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
