There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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