I faked an abortion last night.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
