Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
