you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
