I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
