my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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