I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
