the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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