He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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