Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
