My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
