My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
