It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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