My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
