What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Never underestimate the power of titties
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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