I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
