She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
