Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I still have a little drunk in my system
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize