that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize